yeah, i'll be a blogger

The sting of the splitting of ways two days ago is still strong in my heart.  My dear old friend Michelle has decided that it is no longer in her interest to be my friend.  I really can't make any sense of her decision and I feel so terribly slighted that I really don't know how to react other than with immense sadness that I should lose someone who has become so dear to me.  I rarely make friends and the ones I do often are gone as quickly as they come, so to have a tried and true friend like her in my life has been such a rare gift... But with the loss of a rare gift is a rare sense of grief as well.  I can sincerely say that I have never felt a deeper pain dealt to me by a friend.  And she did it so... flippantly.  Singing songs in the car... Before and after our conversation, going on about how happy she was about this or that.  I really saw how blatantly foolish she could be in that moment and I was so surprised that this was my dear friend.  It made me wonder if we were ever truly friends... Had I ever truly met Michelle?  Who was this person?  Not my lovely friend.  I know this wound is deep and I know I will feel it for a very long time.  I wish so desperately that she had not decided to do this.  I wish so desperately that I could invite her over for tea with my family... Having her in our home was always so natural, she was like a member of my family, almost a sister more often than not.  I don't have enough words to describe this grief.  Once I got home I realized I really was very angry... The anger didn't last long though, more than anger I just felt deeply, deeply hurt.  I wrote her a message and it was very strongly worded, though not in anger.  I had to express the depth of the pain and to present my perspective, otherwise I would have regretted not saying so many things, and I simply don't have the time or the energy to spend in regret.  I'm sure what I said caused her some amount of pain, and I'm sorry for that.  But I know in the deepest way that those were words that simply had to be delivered.

Though, if ever I was to find respite from that situation, it would have been in the activities of today.  Me and my brothers (Carthy) took a road trip to Austin to record drums for our upcoming EP.  Creating music never ceases to bring me the deepest joy, but today was pure euphoria.  We got to work with some of the most talented, beautiful people I've ever seen.  In a space that was like a home I had never visited before... The vibe was phenomenal.  Creation in its truest sense... It was me, Drew and Seth, plus G, D, M and T.  All fabulous artists and true honers of their craft.  Not just artists by occupation mind you, but also in philosophy, which oddly enough is a rare combination.  I'm already more proud of the work we've done on these five songs than possibly anything I've done in my life to this point.  But I always feel that way on the outset of a new project, so I suppose it isn't worth mentioning.  We worked for about 6 hours total and the time passed by so quickly and so agreeably that I really didn't want to stop for breaks.  Of course, I wasn't playing the drums so that may have been the reason for that... I was in such awe of what I was seeing.  One of the songs we worked on today was Plastic Bag... A song I wrote in the infancy of my musicianship that I've held inside my heart for over 6 years.  And today as I was watching this team of wonderful people work on something that has been so dear to my heart... I was simply overwhelmed to finally see something that I composed on my bedroom floor becoming so much bigger than myself.  That other people thought that what I had done was worth their own time and effort.  Its nearly unfathomable and I had to really stop myself for a moment to realize the depth of what I was feeling.

All of that joy makes it all the sadder that I must drag myself back to the drudgery of my office job at 6am tomorrow morning.  That never ceases to be painful.  But I remind myself that someday, everyday will be like today and I'll create musical forms of my heart every waking moment, and that won't make me sad.

Love,
{chase}

Here I am, acting in spite of numerous insecurities, determined for sake of hope to do something with the life that has been given to me. My outward actions and my heart certainly conflict in this matter, pretending to be a blissful adventurer despite the truth of my deep rooted fear and pessimism. Standing up to the winds of defeat and self pity, in an honest attempt to be my very best.

So? I've made my first move towards a better life by enrolling in a fire academy, which thus far is proving to be the hardest thing I've ever done. The demand for greatness made by my superiors is never changing, and never ceasing. Perfection is expected in the great and the purely mundane of everything there is to be done. All actions must be done with a righteous motivation each and every time, and anything short of such is seen as complete failure. Its a curious thing to see how this reasoning begins to trickle down into other aspects of my life and I wonder what the final outcome of all this will be.

I can't begin to describe the expectations that I have placed upon my life, and I equally realize that perseverance must be my closest companion through it all. Without it, failure is a must.
But to reach the other side, to claim the prize... To say to myself that I have achieved what I once thought impossible, that is something that is worth the effort. Oddly enough, I've also come to see that the majority of the struggle will be a battle against only myself. And that most of what is to be conquered is within my own mind. For what is a world full of impossibilities, when it is viewed through the eyes of stubborn bliss? Certainly not something that can't be overcome.